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A few days ago, an old coworker of mine made a post on Facebook about an emotional abusive relationship she was in/getting out of. She posted a few pictures of some text messages between the two of them. While reading them, I became incredibly emotional, and after talking with my boyfriend about it, he thinks that my past abusive relationship might've been the cause of my depression. So, I've decided to write about it.

The scariest part about emotional abuse is, you don't realize its happening until after the fact, or the abuser gets violent. And even after the violence starts, some victims still don't recognize the abuse. In my case, the man that abused me started out as sweetest, most incredibly caring guy I had ever met.
We met while in high school. He lived two blocks away from me, and we spent every single day together. In hindsight, I still cant pin point the moment the abuse started, but I believe it was about the time I was pregnant.

I understand why he would've waited until a pregnancy to start the abuse. I am very stubborn, very emotionally independent. It wouldn't have worked if my brain chemistry wasn't already going haywire. Plus, I was 18, and had a rocky relationship with my very traditional, very Catholic parents, and being in a state of guilt and shamed, definitely helped him break me.

It started small. Simple things like, "You don't look pretty in that outfit." or obviously checking out other women in front of me. All little things a lot of men do unconsciously, and innocently. With slow progression, it turned into, "Your friends aren't good influences on you, you shouldn't be around them. You're going to be a mom, you don't need people like that in your life." (I had been friends with these people since we were 12.) I was nonchalantly being told I was fat almost daily. I was being told my religious upbringing screwed me up, and that being religious would screw up my child. I was told how selfish I was for missing being a teenager with my friends. I was told how I am a loser because I wasn't employed. Eventually, it turned into, "You're 18, with a child. Who else would want you?" He lied to be about cheating on me with my best friend, our relationship still hasn't recovered, 7 years later.

It turned violent once. The violence started innocently enough, we were play fighting. But he didn't stop. He put me in a head lock, I was 7 months pregnant, and wouldn't let me go until I passed out. I bit him as hard as I could, he still wouldn't let go. And he did this in front of his mother. The worst part is, she made excuses for him. It was MY fault he wouldn't let go, I bit him. I'd like to say this is when I had enough, but it wasn't.

My breaking point came when my daughter was about 2, maybe 3 months old. He tried to tell me how horrible of a person my brother was. Being from an Italian family, or really any family with a strong culture, you'd know that no matter what, family comes first. That's when I finally said, "enough is enough." and I left him. But the abuse didn't stop. He refused to pay child support because I was "a drug addict". He started spreading rumors and lies to my neighbors, to anyone and everyone I knew. I was so beaten down, there was almost nothing left of me. But I had a beautiful little girl I had to be strong for, to teach that this kind of behavior is not acceptable. After 3 months of still constant emotional abuse, and failed attempts to win me back, my hell finally stopped. A year of being told how worthless I was, and all the sudden it was over. I didn't know what to do with myself, who I was anymore. And even now, 7 years later, I'm still dealing with it. I still feel worthless, ugly, unimportant. I feel like a failure. Most days I don't even look in the mirror. I mask myself with layers of makeup, and nice clothes. My self worth is still at zero.

If you are being emotionally or physically abused, please ask for help. Please run away. Please please remember, you are worth so much more than you think. You deserve the world, the moon, the stars. You deserve to be loved, and respected. You are so important.